Birthday week loading… Forty.4

I sincerely hope this feeling of ambivalence dissipates by Saturday. Although getting dunked by a sunrise wave was a sure way to check my current melancholy has lung function – even without Ai “verification”.

We went up to the Baviaanskloof this weekend, after my swim. The scenery was just magnificent and normally mountains (and the edges) are a decent tonic for me to recalibrate. I realised though in the severity of the need to switch off, I definitely need more than 2 nights sleep on a hiker mattress, a bright moon over the valleys and a star-filled sky sharing space with satellites to regroup. I need weeks and I need support. I’m also not joking.

I made mention at the coffee shop last week that I am feeling “depressed”…

Everyone laughed me off and made light of it until the third day and tears got the legitimacy vote and that, actually, I am being serious. (Yes even high energy positive humans have down days – true story).

While we collectively problem solved to give me some practical steps to find resolution that day (which worked by the way…) it made me realise the power of support in the moment is simple and real and free! If you have the courage to share your vulnerability.

It’s free to be trustworthy, rational and objective and it’s free to trust that you will use the advice to your benefit.

Thanks guys! Very valuable.

But why won’t this low feeling go away?

What has happened that I feel like I have been knocked off my horse?

I will tell you… after weeks of nesting it – it’s complex trauma.

What I am experiencing has been triggered by a number of recent shocks and new traumas in a short space in time. Its added to the already full bank of life’s existing challenges.

It’s brought on overwhelm and a sense of utter hopelessness.

There is a very real presence of “what is the point”?

Is it an age thing and if so what is the equation to solve it?!

Nevertheless the resilient tenacity kicks in and the key I reckon is identifying when you know your wheels are coming off and feeling accountable enough to admit it and seek help!

Knowing I’m in “check-mate” personally, I can pick up my pieces, put my big girl panties on and persevere to find resolution and a way forward, all while the world doesn’t stop. Yes tomorrow is Monday. Add lipstick and it will be fine.

I might also wear heels. Warning Plett!

The devil really is Louboutin!

What I know for sure is that many people I have spoken to this week need a break too. A reprieve, a gap to just reconcile the pace. A 3 day weekend. So be vigilant of the capacity people have to any more stress if you are teetering on being a doos.

It’s like you are running with your shoe lace untied and if you stop to tie it, everyone will trip over you, if you don’t, you will trip yourself. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

This year has not only started at a sabotaging pace, but the intensity has increased on so many levels and the stress is uncanny. I go back to the skill I proposed in January – consistency. But how to apply it when everything is on quick sand?

I seriously believe the tech is simply too much at the moment and the digital fatigue is exacerbating burn out.

I can’t even count how many new apps and WhatsApp groups I have since January.

Just the increased points of entry to communicate, absorb information, shop, share and reference, together with the incessant need to remember and practice how they work and for what purpose, and for heavens sake what password to use are too much to comprehend. Not to mention actually THINKING (yes using your own brain) to calibrate, understand, imagine all this data and how it can help you, solve problems or live life!

It is all just consuming so much band width, it actually belongs in its own airstream. Added to your already full digital existence, something has to give.

Reminder to self – you are not a ROBOT, no matter what Vitality is telling you to identify as! And, you are not alone in feeling the pressure.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am not shy to healing techniques, always up for a new experience in dance or therapy and follow functional medicine as part of my treatment plans and constantly work on improving stress management. So it comes as a surprise that I feel like a deer in headlights on this one?

So begs the question what did I not do?

The one thing I haven’t done is exercise every damn day over 6-8weeks enough to cope. Consistency is the skill. I fundamentally know when I have a strong body, I have an even stronger mind.

The other is managing boundaries and my BS barometer.

While often in life I don’t always know what I want…

I am very certain I know what I don’t want.

Lack of fitness is one of those things.

Buddhist thinking, which brings me some comfort is the philosophy that it’s in the not finding, you will find.

It’s in the not knowing that I find I always know. It’s in the suffering I will always experience joy.

It’s in knowing I can’t carry on like this, nor tolerate certain things of others and myself that change is required.

And, as we know, the opportunity is always in the change.

So what to do?

Listen. Listen to your body. Allow time to heal. Ask for help. Be consistent.

Build healthy boundaries and teach yourself the word no.

So while I haven’t bothered to look up an app to measure the intensity of a morning wave dunk to the level of embarrassment of sand in your face, I feel safe knowing that robots have feelings too you know and trauma won’t succumb to a free month of a trial subscription.